Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

Has this ever happened to you…you’re with friends and the conversation is great, comments cascade like a frothy babbling brook until…it takes a sharp turn south and you’re about to go over a 100-foot waterfall. Alone.

That’s right. You’ve entered (or got dragged) a discussion where your viewpoint doesn’t match those of the group. You’re outnumbered and feeling about as comfortable as a turtle laying eggs with two blackbirds watching. What do you do?

You have three options:

1. Stay quiet and hide how you really feel.

2. Call “B.S” and argue lunacy.

3. Engage in thoughtful discussion.

For most of my life, I stayed in the first lane. But not today. Today I crossed the yellow line and veered into lane number three. Let me set it up for you. I had the joy of going to lunch with a group of ladies to celebrate a sweet friend’s birthday. As COVID has squashed many social outings this past year, I find these gathering moments and celebrations even more precious. Great friends, great food, and the conversation was great until it turned to the political unrest of our country.

The temperature of our lunch went from balmy to volcanic in less than 60 seconds. I wasn’t surprised to find myself alone in my belief for I knew their political stances (and guess what, I’m still their friend). What struck me like burnt popcorn was the fact that six women can watch/read the same news and hear the same speech(es) but have vastly different interpretations.

So, how can you engage in thoughtful discussion without too much discomfort? (Note: These tips are geared at actual conversations not social media rants.)

Think before you speak

Sounds easy, right? But so often we don’t. Ask yourself, “why is it you want to speak?” Is it to share, offer new insight, attempt to influence, or do you just want to hear your own voice? Reflect a moment on what it is you want to say and give a little pre-thought before saying it.

Keep your cool

Easy to say, hard in real-time. But practice makes perfect. When someone says something that ignites your blood, try these two things: drink and breathe. What you drink is entirely up to you as an adult, but if you happen to have a drink handy, take a sip before speaking. The other option (which is always available) is to breathe in deep, count to three, exhale. Both are simple steps to calm and slow down your reaction.

Help me understand

Another tactic is to start your sentence with, “help me understand…” This allows the other person to state his/her view and shows you are willing to listen. (Tip: Be willing to listen.) Make it a habit to let the person finish speaking without interrupting. This will hopefully get reciprocated as you perfect active listening.

Silence speaks volumes

Let’s admit it. We probably all know someone who is prone to outbursts and yelling. Shouting to be heard is futile. If your combined decibel level is 120 (such as being at a rock concert), neither of you are hearing a word the other is saying. Instead of shouting back, why not react by not saying anything for a while?

It’s a given you’re going to meet and be around someone with an opposing viewpoint. If you don’t and only keep with like-minded company, well then, you’re missing out. There are ways you can share an opposing view without triggering an all-out war. Find the courage to be uncomfortable but do it in a way that helps others see it’s okay to agree to disagree.

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Suzan E. Zan is a passionate communicator who explores life’s quirks, pains, heartbreaks, and the beauty found in them. Learn more at www.suzanzan.com.